Obama birthers ate my love child!

From: Obama Birthers ate my love child

Make no mistake: we on the liberal side of the fence have no shortage of radical sects and ridiculous extremism, but you never really find those groups dominating the dialogue in quite the same way. It’s a vital and telling difference: The Party of Bush is now paying a very dear price indeed for all those years of kowtowing to its basest, least educated, most radical voting blocks. Live by the nutball base, die by the nutball base, eh, Newt?

But why stop there? Here, then, are nine more lovely suggestions I just whipped up right here at home for the GOP fringe to go after next, once the delightful “birther” thing runs its course and this particular worm exits the national body with a sigh and a grunt and a bucketful of antibiotics. Mix and match at your leisure:

1. “The Pluggers.” A radical group spearheaded by Fox News’ in-house comic/psychopath Glenn Beck, absolutely convinced Joe Biden’s forest of hair plugs is actually a cluster of tiny antennae, 10,000 little gray transmitters stuck there by a liberal alien species intent on sharing nuke secrets, world domination plans and three-cheese lasagna recipes with Iran.
2. “The Nancyboys.” Subset of above, slightly frothier, definitely more rashy, certain that Nancy Pelosi is the radio operator of said antennae/hair.
3. “The Buggers.” These kindly folk are positive that Obama’s push to reform health care and take back billions from bloated HMOs is actually a secret plot to infect the entire populace with H1N1 so liberals can then “immunize” them against it, which will serve to make you suddenly feel a mad desire to install solar panels on your roof and start composting your pizza boxes and buy a Prius and actually sort of like it.
4. “The Railies.” A cluster of disgruntled Hummer owners and former GM execs convinced that the rather astonishing new initiative to connect most major cities in America via an ultra-efficient, lightning-fast, Euro-style rail network by 2030 is really a nefarious plot to transport enormous tanks of grass-fed, rainbow-colored stem cells to Midwestern states and inject them into tubby children to make them, if not completely gay, then really, really into yoga, organic kombucha and Moby.
5. “The Brujas.” They believe Supreme Court justice-to-be Sonia Sotomayor is part of a secret plot to empower formerly poor, small-framed Latinas to kick Antonin Scalia in the groin, run away giggling and then vote against every legal precedent he has ever supported for the next 30 years straight, or until his secret gay love-child with Lynne Cheney is revealed (Adam Lambert!), whichever comes first.
6. “The Enders.” Gaggle of crusty septuagenarians certain that, tucked deep inside the health care reform bill is a provision that will encourage more end-of-life consulting for confused elderly people. Translation: Obama promotes euthanasia! Liberals want to kill all aging neocons! Damn tofu-sucking hippies want to literally “pull the plug” on old white males and AIG executives and Dick Cheney! Oh the humanity! Oh the Sean Hannity!
7. “The Oby-Gyns.” Throng of select, heavily Botoxed, deeply resentful GOP wives who are certain that Hillary Clinton’s army of sassy supporters is attempting to get more wives like them to think for themselves and get more involved in issues of the day, as opposed to the traditional role of sitting in the background like stiff, bland, cream-colored furniture, only to emerge, bitter and miserable, when the world finds out about their husbands’ predilections for Argentine lovers or gay hookers or meth. Or Antonin Scalia.
8. “The Tailgunners.” Military fanatics and Limbaugh dittoheads who foresee a U.S. military that will soon prefer rave parties to rabid mauling, French pastries to righteous pillaging, flagrant make-out sessions to patriotic nation-building, and open expressions of love and sodomy to violently repressed homoerotic urges, if we dare to put an end to “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
9. “The Potatoes.” Furious assemblage of NASCAR fans and big-screen TV manufacturers violently opposed to the Obama family’s obvious ploy to reintroduce artistic and multicultural nutrients back into the fat, dumbed-down American cultural diet, by way of live jazz, poetry readings, literature and sundry similar Satanic creations, currently in rotating performance in the East Room of the White House. Motto: “Obama iz a hippee Muslin!”