Sour Green Insanity

The last year of the 2008 Presidential primary campaign has lulled me into a false sense of security. I’ve seen issues being discussed using words containing as many as four syllables. Former US Vice President Al Gore was one of the Nobel Peace Prize recipients and politicians at home and abroad seem to be taking environmental damage and climate change seriously.

An entire generation of young people in the United States have turned off their Playstations long enough to register to vote and turn up at the polls where they have helped set records for voter turnout in state primaries around the nation.

The American people seemed to be using 2008 as a year to redefine themselves as a people. Concerned citizens and activists are using the Internet to stay in touch with their representatives. Important information, like video footage of Condaleezza Rice telling bald-faced lies to Congress, are being spread via e-mail forwards and blog posts. And NBC’s vile attempt to bring the Bionic Woman back to television has been canceled. All in all, things seemed to be looking up for Americans and the rest of the world.

That warm illusory cocoon dissolved into an icky, sour, green mess when I opened my e-mail this morning. In among my usual messages was a press release from The Bender Hammerling Group (BHG). BHG is a public relations firm that has New Jersey based Pinnacle Foods as one of its clients.

Most people would not recognize Pinnacle Foods by name, but they own several brands that most Americans would know. They own Armour, Aunt Jemima, Celeste (as in Mama Celeste frozen pizza), Duncan Hines, Hungry-Man Frozen dinners, Lenders Bagels, Log Cabin Syrups, Mrs. Butterworth’s, Mrs. Paul’s, Open Pit, Swanson (“The Original TV Dinner”), Van de Kamp’s, and Vlasic. Of these brands, BHG seems to handle Armour, Duncan Hines, Lenders, Mrs. Butterworth’s, and Vlasic.

The press release that made me realize that no matter how much goodness and improvement I see out in the world there remains, sometimes just out of sight, darkness and general tackiness in abundance. The press release, titled “The Vlasic® Stork is Calling All May Babies!” went on to explain that ‘One May-Born Baby Will Win Big with Vlasic Pickles’. This sounded pretty interesting. I am all for preserved cucumbers and babies and babies winning preserved cucumbers so I continued reading.

Had it been just any stork “Calling All May Babies”, I would have assumed that there was a batch of defective babies (made in China perhaps) being recalled. As a pickle fan, I knew that this stork had nothing to do with the delivery or manufacture of actual babies. As it turns out, Vlasic® is having a contest to find 2008′s “Vlasic Stork Baby”. To enter, a parent must browse over to www.vlasic.com and submit a photo along with 50 to 100 words about why their baby should be the Vlasic Stork Baby, along with the baby’s date of birth, sex, height and weight.

This part was fine. It was only after I got to the prizes that I realized we are screwed. This is what the website and press release say:

The winning baby and family will win: a $20,000 US Savings Bond; a trip for two to New York City — complete with one dinner and one night’s stay — to introduce the official Vlasic® Stork Baby on a New York Morning Show on Friday, June 20th (ARP $3,000), and receive a year’s supply of Vlasic Pickles.

Ok, so, working backwards, we have a years supply of Vlasic Pickles, thats good, right? (As long as they are not all the refrigerated kind – who’d have room for that?). The next bit gets a bit weird. It says a “trip for two to New York City — complete with one dinner and one night’s stay” – based on the rest of the info this is going to be for either the night of June 19th or June 20th, 2008. At this point the winning baby will be at most, seven weeks old. On a plane, to NYC, and out to Dinner. Thats just crazy talk – yet that’s not the real problem.

It’s that first prize item that looks deceptively nice. Who could possibly object to a $20,000 US Savings Bond right? By the time the kid’s ready for college that could pay for a whole semester of classes. if I had stopped reading there, I would have been fine. But the press release went on to a paragraph that comes close to summing up what is wrong with America but the press release calls this an “extra treat”.

To sweeten the pickle even more, Vlasic(R) is offering the family an extra treat! If the parents of the Vlasic(R) Stork Baby want to show their love and dedication to Vlasic(R) Pickles by making his or her middle name “Crunch,” the savings bond value will be increased to $25,000.

The thing is -  people will do this. The contest is only open to “legal U.S. residents 18 years of age or older at the time of entry”. This means its the parents entering the contest, not the baby. If the parent wants to have their middle name legally changed to “Crunch” thats fine. Selling naming rights on your baby – even their middle name – is beyond creepy.

A city selling the naming rights to an arena is one thing. Those rights cost millions or tens of millions of dollars. Selling the “branding” on your child for $25,000 (or $5,000 depending how you look at it) is not the best way to welcome your child into the world.