How I got a cat…

(I originally wrote this in 1996 while off my bipolar meds)

I had decided several weeks ago that I wanted a cat, but had not really ever known where cat’s came from when you WANT one.  Every cat I have ever had or anyone I know had had had (hard to make a sentence with three hads in a row and it still makes sense) just kind of appeared or been dropped on them.  So, being a very resourceful person I checked  with the C|Net shoppers guide.  They had a lot of things called CADs and CAMs, but I was pretty sure I wanted to stay with my original plan of getting a CAT.  For once, spelling counted.  Realizing that C|Net and Z-Net weren’t much help I tried http://www.givemeacat.com/.  Well, apparently something was wrong and site was unavailable.

    I was growing desperate.  I decided to check EBay.  Well, believe it or not they do not seem to have any cat’s on auction at that time.  They did have many many catalogs but not having much of a yard not owning a fireplace, I decided, again, to stick  my plan of just getting a plain cat.

    It occurred to me at that point that maybe I was barking up the wrong tree, if you will excuse the cross species expression.  After careful investigation if the list of newsgroups carried by my company I noticed a GLARING omission.     There were over thirty-five thousand groups but no rec.pets.cats.available.now.  Just to be sure the area I wanted wasn’t misfiled under some other group that used less common terms (Usenet is an international entity you know) I decided to investigate any groups that contained terms that could be directly or loosely considered slang or euphemisms for a cat.

    Much of this investigating involved downloading and decoding binary files that I believe were either ads for cat’s for sale or some sort of online cat show for which prizes are probably awarded.  I am assuming it was an international competition because some of the cats had no hair.  Finally, after sifting through thousands of entries, I finally found one labeled “Free Pussy” so I looked closer.  I admit, it did not look like a very good cat.  I think maybe it was tired or just not very photogenic.  My thought at the time was that it was a loser from last years International Pussy/Cat Show and Competition.  I figured that ones who did not win were possibly given away like greyhounds are sometimes.

    One of my co-workers, who often claims to be an expert on pussy, was in the office that day.  I called him over and asked his opinion. (I know, I know, it was a free pussy but I didn’t want to be saddled with huge vet bills just because I failed to have it checked out by an expert.  After all, you don’t buy a used car without having it looked over my a mechanic.)
    My co-worker informed me that it was not a pussy that would be good for my needs.  He said it looked high maintenance and would problem be expensive to keep healthy.  He also informed me that many rude people on Usenet send out pictures saying Free Pussy to get prospective pet owners to download them and look and they are not REAL cats at all!!

    I decided that Usenet was not the best place to look for a cat and probably the internet itself was not a great place to shop for things with working lungs.

    Coincidentally, at that same time I ran out of Wintergreen Velamints®.

Fate had picked that day to give me a wedgie of inspiration and I got in my car drove to my local store of convenience.  While waiting to pay for my small minty treats I happened to look down and saw a stack of reconstituted tree flesh.  I picked the top bundle off the stack and examined it.  As I looked it over I got to the head of the line and the cashier asked, “Do you want that paper too?”.  Its funny how if you hold something that you don’t know the name of and wait long enough somebody will just tell you eventually.  I said, “Yes.”

    I took my purchases home, leaned back in my chair, popped a Velamint in my mouth, enjoyed the cool mint sensation on my tongue, readjusted the chair, sipped my ice tea, cleared a spot on my computer desk, cleaned off  a little spot where I guess I had set down a glass with a wet bottom on some cigarette ash with Windex and a sock,  put the sock on the floor, and opened the “paper”.

    Inside were many articles, much like the ones you find on some websites.

I read a few but found it boring since the hyperlinks (indicated “Continued on page B3″) did not seem to work.  Also, I was irritated that I could not adjust the font size.  About half way though the pile a large number of banner ads fell out and nearly gave me a nasty paper cut on my foot.

    By minimizing the banner ads, I found a section called The Classifieds.

It seemed to list jobs and other things that were available and some even had URLs of the company with empty desks but their coder showed once again that he  clearly doesn’t know a hyperlink from a hiccough.  Towards the end of that section I found a column entitled Pets, and below that Cats For Sale.  I held the page closer to my eyes (accidentally discovering how to increase the font size) and read down the column.  Many cat’s were being offered at prices ranging from $30.00 to $200.00; however, there were several that claimed to be FREE.  Having been burned on that Usenet “Free Pussy” scam I was wary.  I read the fine print and didn’t find the usual disclaimers that tell you the first week is free and then $19.95 a month, or anything like that.

    I picked one that seemed promising.  Some people were moving to a new are that, apparently, had a ban on pussies.  They had several cat’s but her mother was taking those.  The one she was offering was one she had rescued from Camden, NJ where some children were trying to light him on fire.  This cat wouldn’t treat other pussies in a polite and respectful manner, often invading their personal space and, now this is purely conjecture, trying to get the other cat’s to engage in some kind of intricate dance that involved howling and bloodletting.

    I did not particularly want a Goth cat, but I had decided that since, thanks to Nancy Reagan, I knew how to “Just say No” I could run the risk of opening my home to such a needful animal.

    I went over to meet him and we got along great.  He is so sweet as long as no other cats come near him.  Me and my white haired, green eyed, ear functioning kitty are happy together.